New years thoughts

A new year always feels like a new, fresh start for me. I was ready to do so, to loosen myself from an exhausting, emotional year full of sickness, hospitals, luck, happiness, wedding, growth, love and uncertainties. I was ready to step forward, to try to pick up some of my ‘old me’, to start all over again. There are many things I want to do this year, like continuing to study, doing sports, eating better again (I’ve been ignoring my allergies lately – I had to, in the hospital), just getting fit and energetic, both mentally and physically. There are some new knitting skills I want to learn. I would like to get more out of my raised-bed garden than only parsley and Calendula – it all had to do with this same thing. Having a very sick baby is something taking all the energy you have (or making it impossible to water the garden, for that matter), hospital time is making you nuts. Now that he’s doing better, I noticed I need to step back and take care of myself. So I made plans. Looked for a kind of sports that might interest me and wouldn’t cost us a fortune, informed about study possibilities, made the first gardening plans. Just things for me, things that had nothing to do with sickness. We’ve had a lovely evening, watching the clock tick the year away. This just feels like magic, and we were all so delighted to finish the year 2012.

The new year was only a few hours old though, when we had to call the ambulance for the first time this year. After spending a week inside of this Famous Building called Our Hospital (it almost feels like home now), there was a second time.. It’s not his hearth, oh no, it’s something else. They are not sure yet what it is, but there are seizures that are making his breathing almost unnoticeable, his hearth beat extremely slow (bradycardia) and his colour blue as my knittings (cyanotic). When he had the first attack in October last year, I thought he was dying, because he didn’t breathe at all and he was as stiff as a doll. It took something like five minutes before he started breathing again. They had no idea, thought about a kind of cyanotic breath holding spell, which I new was just not the case. In November it happened several times, and after they found some kind of Virus in his head, we thought we had it under control. He is on heavy medicine since then, but we wanted to have them fade out at the end of January. This didn’t happen, of course, due to his new attacks. It can’t be the Virus anymore, since they found something on one of the numberless EEGs we’ve been making. Epilepsy? Something that has to do with his hearth? We don’t know, they don’t know. We’re waiting and hoping it will not be too bad.
But that was kind of it for me. I can handle all of this things with his hearth, I can handle the thing with the head. Now it is time though, to think about me. I can’t do full-time nursing anymore – he does eat other things, but keeps coming to me, which I love but can’t do anymore. I am being overtired of a baby on drugs making him hyperactive, not able to sit still for a second, not able to sleep at daytime or at night. I can’t be a good mum for my children without sleep, without time for me. But I have to, he needs the medicine. We’ll have an appointment later this week to talk about other possibilities, as well as how to treat him even better. I hope they can do something for us, for him. I don’t believe being so unbalanced can be good for his hearth, still my major concern.

Having said all of that, having it out of my mind, I want you to know that we’re all doing very well.. You don’t believe me? We do. There has been a trip to Birmingham last week, I visited my brother with my two kids (I don’t need to say what the faces of the doctors looked like when I told them I would go, do I?). Something called ‘normal life’. It was so lovely, and I desperately needed this little trip. There was a huge graduation ceremony at Warwick University, and my little brother is now a Master. Oh, I better get back on my feet! Well, I got two kids in the time, huh..
I’m going to make a kind of to do list on my blog, a ‘things I want to learn’ list. This is just for me to keep it ‘on paper’, written out, and this seems like a good place to do it. Learning Fair Isle knitting will be high on it, because I planned that for 2013. And plans are exactly what I need right now. And did I mention I’m in Heathers Whole Food Workshop? Normal life, beware, I’m back!

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